The Quimby Files
by slapstick.genius
Summary: Diamond Joe Quimby's family album does not include the North Carolina drawings, which are in the Springfield museum. But it does include a history of gore, crime and a strange relationship with The Burnses and The Quartermaines of GH fame.
1. Onus of the Shipwreck

The Quimbys have been living in America for nearly four hundred years now, whereas the Jersey-Originated Quartermaines arrived only seventy eight years after their Shetland, Ulster and Northern Ireland-originated rivals.

The first three Quimbies known were Onus, Michaela and Joshua. Because only a few drawings depicting them survive in the Springfield museum, the epic strangeness of their whereabouts indicates that their life stories are tellingly distinct from the distortions depicted in the Simpsons.

Onus possibly was born sometime in 1582, while Michaela was born in 1575. Both belonged to the Feudal elite, what a strange beginning indeed. They didn't even speak modern English, only a mix of Pig Latin, Middle English, Norse and Irish Gaelic. Their lives changed with the birth of their only legitimate son Joshua in 1610, because Onus was a swindler extraordinaire.

As the conflict between sects of Christianity flared up so much, Onus went to the Canary Islands in order to escape both his wife and the flare ups, but the Canarians were not amused. Then, he had to sail to North Carolina, as The LATE Virginia company (did that same old company exist?) got defunct. After arriving in North Carolina, he found love and made sex with a lonely Cherokee woman, who later birthed Christopher Quimby in 1630.

Joshua came later by sailing the Gin Blossom. As the Gin Blossom broke down, he got stranded in Virginia. Eventually, he found love later on, in the form of a witch doctress. But as the witch doctress' fellow people felt suspicious, both she and Joshua got sacrificed for their supposed sins.


	2. Christopher, the Son of Onus

Christopher Quimby was a controversial figure of Goku-like, psychopathic proportions. Born in December 1630, exactly four months after his father Onus got killed by a rutting mad deer, Chris spoke Cherokee before speaking English. Clearly beloved by fellow villagers in the Qualla boundary, he nonetheless was cautioned by the impacting ethnic Amerindian conflicts and the late-coming multiple invasions of the colonial invaders on Native American villages via Smallpox and weaponry.

He lived in a log cabin with his only known spouse Bessie Raleigh, who never bore him kids because her family life was seemingly awful. She kicked Christopher out of the log cabin, since her marriage vows were perhaps as brief as a year. Christopher fought against life for survival and was a swindler like his late dad, which explains why he had to sleep with various women to survive.

He didn't impregnate his temporary sleeping friends much, but met someone much younger than him by a whole typical parenting generation (of 1980s standards)! She was both his chronicler and his biggest fan, and - believe it or not - her name was Wyllie Hill. He impregnated her, who later bore him Jack in April 1680. As Jack grew older and turned six years old, he and mother Wyllie saw Chris dying of various natural causes.


	3. The Drunken Jack

As Jack Quimby became a teenager, Wyllie died of natural causes. Although saddened, he kept on fighting for his life. When he turned fifteen, his half sister Jolene (the daughter of Chris' favourite sleeping friend ever, Honey Blum) met him only once, and with disgust! She never met him again in his lifetime.

However, she and Chris nonetheless pen pal together with the two Quartermaines of a single British Channel island, Constance and Percival. As big spinster sister Constance got sick and then died of bubonic plague, in late 1703 her much younger brother sailed to America on the Courage, with heavy amounts of difficulties. Even after the pirates attacked and sunk the Courage in 1704, Percival survived to work for the British East India company.

Jolene Blum and Percival married, much to the disappointment of Jack, so he had to leave them alone as they went to piney and utterly coniferous Maine. However, he found a flame in the form of Abital Fitzgerald. Abi and Jack got married and moved to a log cabin, where the former gave birth to only child Morris Fitzgerald Quimby in 1722.

Morris clearly loved his mother, but his dad was drunk and rather tough on him, so they left him behind a month before he died drunk and penniless in August 1730, in order to work as entrepreneurs.


	4. The cunning Morris

As Morris grew older and witnessed his mother dying of plague, he observed and studied garden animals and the backyard critters who visited him frequently. As an adept scientist, he loved tadpoles and tended not to kill them, seeing them grow into cute but stinky frogs. Later on, he went to Harvard College to study maths.

In 1744, he met a female classmate of his! Her name was Eileen O'Connor. However, their brief romance ended with the fact that she had an arranged marriage with John Callahan. They died at the beginning of the American civil war, so their only known child Tristan Callahan became a Webber by adoption.

Although not married, his considerably much younger female minion was named Maxine Fitzpatrick. He and Maxine clearly liked each other, as their relationship was close but restrained. That same relationship culminated in Cyrus Fitzpatrick's birth in May 1771.


	5. Cyrus Quimby, newspaper seller

As a child, Cyrus was a funny little boy, tricking his mom and big stepsisters into sandpits and ponds. Although daddy Morris had long been estranged from him since his toddlerhood, their relationship bloomed back when the latter became captain of the Harvard Frogs.

As a teenager however, his life is a little backward, with the father leaving the house in disgrace. But his childhood friends, who were tricksters from the infamously rich Burns family, helped him turn his life around to become a wealthy tabloid pedlar and newspaper seller, becoming much later a magnate himself. Ironically, by the time he celebrated fifteen years as a newspaper seller, daddy Morris died at 77 in 1799.

He met a snobbish former robber named Courtney O'Malley and slowly fell in love with her. They married each other in 1795, culminating in the births of their two children, Gabriel and much later Berenice O'Malley in the deep south in 1805 and 1819.

In 1825, when Gabe left the house to work in Springfield; even as Berenice started to get tutored, Cyrus opened a small influence stand here in 1825, becoming locally popular as a late bloomer for a decade before retiring quietly. He died in 1842.


	6. Gabriel of the Appalachians

As a child, Gabriel was lonely and had many stillborn younger siblings until the birth of Berenice. Instead of the Burnses, this time around Franklin Smithers, the son of a former minion of the Burnses, became his best friend and pseudo sibling.

He and Frank were pals right up till they separated in the birth of Berenice. Thinking that his close relationship ended, he trekked with a female slave from the Appalachians through plains and forests, later coming into the Rockies. Easily lost, he decided to go 'the SCHMUCK way' into Springfield later on. He survived the journey.

In other words, He and his parents' neighbours' slave, Jennifer O'Donnell, escaped the parents' wrath. They never married due to the incoming racism, but the latter bore him Johnny O'Donnell in 1845.


	7. Berenice Quimby, madam extraordinaire

As a child, Berenice never spoke much at all, because of her mother's wrath during the pregnancy. But she was deemed beautiful, wearing a granny dress. Her dad was also a volatile guy, which also explained why she got involved in many scandals since her teens.

Although controversial, she also had friends and admirers, especially the Gellman family until she divorced Peter when her offspring were young. She lived alone for the rest of her life, never seeing two of her grandchildren, the fraternal twins Stewart and Gwendolyn Clayton (children of Adeline and Julius Clayton) being born in London, until dying of tuberculosis in 1897.


	8. Johnny Angel

Goku-like in proportions, Johnny O'Donnell Quimby was multiracial, clever, beautiful and had lots of good deeds, hence he got nicknamed as Johnny Angel after saving five kids from a ravaging parent who attempted to kill them all. Although his childhood is troubled, as was his young adulthood and only marriage to Leslie Mullins, which led to Reginald's birth in 1869, even though he left them behind penniless a few years later.

Nonetheless, his later life is a bit secretive, although he occasionally impregnated two of his sleeping friends, Joan Erwin and Mae Pesci, resulting in the births of Alexandra in 1881 and Joseph in 1895. He lived with Joan for about seventeen years, and later living with Mae for about the last 27 years of his life.

Both He and Mae died of tuberculosis in 1919.


	9. Reginald and his changelings

As a child after his dad left his life, Reginald became a mail boy with the help of his mother. A streetwise kid, he escaped the wrath of the corrupt police for years and years until he grew out of his mail boy job.

When he grew older, Leslie exercised and also aged gracefully due to a good diet. But a tumultuous relationship with her partner Alec Mersin led to her murder by his estranged childhood friend Marc Burns - the much older half brother of Clifford Burns - in the house. Expressing disgust, Reginald escaped the whole house and left it behind for work at the Burns Mansion. As a minion of the ever dramatic Wainwright Montgomery Burns, he interestingly bought the throne and the desk as a gift for his master, thus he began a bank savvy tradition.

He married Phoenix McCall and had Clifford Junior, Dominique, and Ernest as adopted children, because their birth parents were rather caring if rather dysfunctional drunkards, who in turn adopted the former's own estranged children (Sarah, George and Archibald) themselves.

Seemingly strange indeed, although that scenario actually worked! The changelings went under the Quimby influence, whereas their rivals went under that of the Burnses.

Post-changeling scenario, Reggie died of MRSA in 1951.


	10. The creator of EYE on Springfield

Lexi was a bright spark when she was a child. An inventive young feminist, She and her mother were frankly living single and in poverty when Johnny Angel left their lives in the early 1890s.

Alexandra had many part time jobs ranging from chimney sweep to Springfield nurse in her career as a sex educator. Beloved by a frank amount of emancipated women during her term as a soldier in world war 1, she also made some controversy as well, although not as much as half brother Joseph.

She was the first reporter to say the FUCK word in Springfield news history, which attracted a lot of smart young middle classers from a GI Generation angle. She also was responsible for the creation of EYE ON SPRINGFIELD as a response to fake news in the Springfield state near Oregon.

Lexi already had tumultuous relationships with her boyfriends, until an enterprising Jew named Max Kentman came along. They slowly fell in love, culminating in the birth of their only child Theo Kentman in 1911. Theo in turn married his teen sweetheart Margaret Hooper in 1936, resulting in the births of fraternal twins Brock and Belinda Kentman in October 25 1939. Having happily lived long enough to see her grandchildren being born, she died in 1967.


	11. Wicked Diamond Joe

As a child, he played games alone due to having only a few friends in the neighbourhood. He had a knack for drawing privates and ogled at the beauty of them all.

A natural born, promiscuous psychopath, Joseph was also a serial womaniser, slipping about five real life women celebrities throughout his lifetime, without success all the time. That included Enid Markey in 1918, Agnes Moorehead in much of the 1920s, Maureen O'Sullivan in 1931, Teala Loring in much of Wold War two and Elizabeth Montgomery in 1959. Luckily, they all escaped Diamond Joe's wrath.

Being both a successful and a corrupt politician who switched sides so frequently, his behaviours, political adventures and scandals were so brazen that they drastically changed the way some modern neurologists think about psychopathy in actuality.

He slipped all five of Clovis and Joe's nannies during the 20 years of his mayor status in Springfield, as well as five other mistresses, including a fellow younger mistress herself - his only wife, the half-Mosuo Rose Yang, during his whole adulthood.

The strange behaviours were still rocking all of America until his ironically fascinating disappearance in 1961 and thereafter incredibly #metoo feminist murder by Rose Quimby, with the help of her best friend (The third nanny Marge Pendleton) and - ironically - the whole Cassadine Mob, who currently terrorise Port Charles and beyond. They all murdered him at the dying Springfield mall in order for Joe and Clovis to survive.

They covered him with blankets, when they dumped him into a sand trap at the back nine a year later. It was found nine more years later, in 1971.


	12. Additional Quimby-related Members

The two sons of Geoffrey Wilkins and Lois Gellman Wilkins were named Max and Patrick Wilkins. Both were born in 1883 and 1886 respectively. The elder brother was single and childless, whereas the younger brother married his favourite sweetheart, northerner Margaret Burgess, in 1919. He and Maggie had four children, three daughters and a son, together until the latter died of colon cancer in 1941. Both brothers died together in a retirement home in 1967.

The children were Theodore (born 1921 died 1981 in a plane crash), Bella (born 1925 died 1969 in a car crash), Georgina (born 1927 died 2011 of old age) - all single and childless - and the surviving Helen McConnell (born 1935). Helen McConnell is herself the estranged but good wife of Toby McConnell. She and Toby have a son named Jack McConnell (born 1969), himself a husband of the unseen Weatherfield supermarket owner named Hannah Marley. Hannah and him have at least three kids; Max Wolf, Joey and Liza, who are all fraternal triplets born in 2004.

Brock and Brenda Kentman's melodious younger sister, named Angelina, was born in 1953. She married Max Wolfcastle, Rainier's much older brother, in 1979. Angie birthed a son named Max in 1991 and adopted a baby Kosovan girl named Thelma in 2002.


End file.
